Many people (and by “many people” I mean my wife and my parents) have asked me what it was exactly that made me think I could even be remotely funny as a stand-up comic. I’m blessed to have a loving and supportive family. However, I’ve been thinking long and hard about this because I found it to be a compelling question and, more importantly, Jim had given me a deadline and I had to submit something for this month’s blog.
The biggest factor in developing my comic ear is the fact that I have spent my entire working life in the Service Industry. Unless you have been under a rock or a Republican the past 20 years, you would know that the Service Industry makes up 67% of our nation’s economy. (Those numbers are made up, but it has to be close, don’t you think?) I submit that working with the public since I began my working life in 1981 has fine-tuned my comic sensibilities. The most important lesson a service job teaches is how to manipulate people, a skill needed in every comic’s repertoire. I learned how to manipulate people in my very first job!
I got my start as a working stiff as an usher at the Ritz Three Movies in Society Hill. The word “usher” is a French word which means, “one who cleans bathrooms in a bow tie.” I learned a lot about life at this job; ladies’ rooms are always much filthier than men’s rooms, just because you can eat all the popcorn you want doesn’t make it a good idea, and there are guys who will jerk off to anything… including “Tootsie” and “Mrs. Doubtfire.”
But I digress… I was talking about how I learned to manipulate people. One day I was in the cramped projection booth bathroom with my knees in my nostrils reading one of Frank the Projectionist’s Playboy magazines that he kept at work because his wife would have killed him if he had them sent to his house. It was the issue with the Wendy’s “Where’s the Beef?” Lady on the cover. I was in the middle of screaming, “Here’s the beef, Clara!” when an article caught my eye. Now, normally, I pay no attention to words in a girlie magazine but for some reason I was fascinated by this article. It was actually an interview with one of my favorite actors, Al Pacino. What grabbed my attention was Al talking about his very first job… as a movie theater usher! I tore my eyes away from the captivating Clara Peller and read about how Al was able to channel the awesome power of the bowtie and the flashlight. He developed this theory that people would do whatever he told them because they assumed he had some authority because he was equipped with the tools of his trade. He decided to test his theory by asking hundreds of people who were lined up to get inside to move the line across the street for no other reason than because he told them to… to his delight, everyone did exactly what he asked!
For some reason that only a sixteen year old boy would understand, I thought this was the funniest thing I d ever heard. In all fairness, I think I should disclose that prior to this moment, the funniest thing I had ever heard was my Uncle Jerry fart “Silent Night” at Christmas services, so it’s safe to say my comic senses had not yet reached maturation. Anyway, I was determined to see if I could get a crowd of people to do exactly as I commanded. I waited weeks until we had huge crowds for the film, “Chariots of Fire.” The place was mobbed with just the kind of pretentious, humor-less people I was hoping to make succumb to my desire… my desire to make them do something totally meaningless for my personal amusement! There was a massive line of people waiting to get in to the warmth of the lobby. I went to the first people in line and said, “Folks, we’re going to have to a you to move the line across the street.” I could barely control my glee! But then something horrible happened… something not even my weeks of preparing for this moment led me to anticipate… the very first person I told to move across the street looked at me and asked, “Why?” Quickly, I scrambled for an answer… “Let me go find out!” I high-tailed it up the steps to the projection booth… searching frantically for just the right Playboy issue to see if Al gave any insight… but it was gone!
I would not accept defeat… I came back to the man and said, “Sir, we need you to move across the street as a safety precaution.” He couldn’t argue with that one! He didn’t argue… he laughed, though , and pointed. He pointed at the little souvenir I took back with me from my visit to the projectionist’s lavatory. Soon the whole line was laughing and pointing at the trail of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of my shoe. I didn’t impose my will on those people that night… but I did make them laugh… and right there and then I decided that’s what I wanted to do… make people laugh… not so much with the pointing, though. I guess it all began that chilly night and I’ve been chasing that dragon they call “comedy” ever since.