Recently I took my girlfriend to see My Bloody Valentine and Friday the 13th and after seeing them I really feel like I could write a scary movie. The movies themselves weren’t that bad, but I found a lot of similarities between the two. So, I thought to myself, “How hard could it be to write a movie? Just pick the setting, get some kids together, and then have a killer with a soft side murder them in the most gruesome way possible.”
First, pick a setting where you want your movie to take place. This is pretty easy because there are two choices. Pick either a quiet suburb that has a dark secret or the woods with a dark secret. Personally I might shake it up a little bit and combine the two…….what am I talking about? That might be a little too much. Relax Steve, relax.
Second, get a group of kids (about 6) and make sure they all look like Abercrombie & Fitch models. Let’s start with the guys. Two of them need to be real good looking. I’m talking if Brad Pitt and Matt Damon had a kid it would like these two. Oh yea, one should have short hair and one should have long Ashton Kutcher hair. Then there is the 3rd guy. He needs to be the quirky one of the group who likes pot or is “artsy”. He still has to be good looking. Not Abercrombie good looking, but at least Sears Catalog good looking.
Now let’s move on to the girls of the group. Again, all these girls should be drop dead gorgeous with amazing bodies…I’m talking Shakira meets Megan Fox. The most important thing about the girls is that they have to have their top off 45% of the time and the other 55% of the time they have to be wearing a bikini top, white tank top, or a very tight shirt with no bra. God I love boobs. Next, you should make sure that there is the “wild girl” of the group who is not afraid to have sex with anyone, the “girl next door” who you would do anything too and again the “outcast” who is someone you would bang if you had 2-10 beers in ya. Now that we have our cast lets move onto the killer.
Third make sure you know the 3 rules to finding the right killer for your movie…
1) Make sure he has some sort of mask on. It can be a rag, a hockey mask, a fucking bondage cap with dildos all over…I don’t care. Just make sure we can’t see his face
2) Make sure the audience knows that the killer doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong. The killer thinks that by killing these kids he is doing the right thing and we need the audience to know that. This will add a softer touch and make your killer seem more human which is funny because he is. The guys just decapitated a 20 year girl with a fucking machete but its ok because he’s getting back at all the kid’s that made fun of him in high school. I bet the psychologists of the world would have a great fucking time with this one
3) Make sure he doesn’t bang any of the girls. This isn’t my rule, but it seems to be an unwritten rule. If it was up to me this killer would take out the guys and then go to town on the girls. Think about it for a second…you’re already killing these people so why not have some fun before you put there head in a vice? Maybe it’s my sick mind but that’s what I would do.
Well, now you’re ready to write your movie. Who cares about plots and twists? Just make sure it has a lot of blood and a lot of boobs (don’t mix the two together though…boobs aren’t as fun if there is blood all over them. If you can throw in one or two funny one-liners then yeah you are all set.
As for my movie…I think I am going to skip the scary movie and move onto to something bigger. I’m thinking of writing a movie about a ship that can’t sink but does end up sinking when it hits some kind of ice thing. Within this crazy plot I’m having a crazy love triangle…yea that’ll get the ladies panties wet.