I say that line all the time at work. Why? Because my job is in sales and when you get that credit number from a client it is hard not to get a raging semi in your new pair of pleated Dockers. But hey you gotta do what any good sales man would do…tuck it under your belt and make your next sales call.
The world of sales is a complicated world with a bunch of bullshit and a lot of handshakes. To be a sales person you really need to push people into buying your product even if you don’t think the product will do them any good. Now, I am not going to tell you what I sell because I don’t want to fucking tell you and it’s none of your business. Just know that I can sell the shit out of any product.
Any sales person will tell you about cold calling. Cold calling is one of the worst things I have ever experienced. For those of you who don’t know what cold calling is, just think about the time you were about to sit down with your loved ones for a nice dinner on a Friday night at 8pm when all of a sudden your phone rings and the person on the other end asks you, “are you unhappy with the way you look?” Yep, that is a cold call. The sales people get a list of names and numbers and just call everyone on that list trying to get them to buy their product. When I cold call I hear some of the most outlandish (did I just type outlandish?) curse words and phrases I have ever heard. One woman, who I thought was interested in my product, asked me, “I’m sorry, what’s your name again?” “Steve,” I told her. “Oh, that was my Father’s name and he used to hit me. I haven’t talked to him in 50 years just like I am not going to talk you for the next 50 years either. Go get a real job you fucking loser.” Click. Hung up on. On to my next call. Yes, that is the wonderful world of cold calling.
Not every call is that bad. Sometimes you do get people who are interested in the product you are selling. This is when the real sales person inside of you comes out. You just don’t want to make it seem like your selling them something. You want them to feel like you really care about their family, job, kids, and all the other horseshit going on in their lives. It’s called needs analysis and your job is to make them realize that your product is something they need and fits perfectly with their lifestyle. I just realize that I hate my life every time I make a sales call. I could talk to some guy for an hour and once we hang up I couldn’t tell you one thing about his life. The whole time we are on the phone I am just looking for the right time to say something along the lines of, “and this product will make that 100 times easier!” or “Oh my god, your kid with Lyme disease will absolutely love this.” We sales people don’t really care about what you are saying. When do we care? We care when you are about to give us your credit card number because the more we sell, the more money we make and the more money we make the sooner I can buy a Fleshlight. You don’t know what a fleshlight is? Google it right now…it’s orgasmic...seriously it is.
Personally I think making a sale is a lot easier in person. When I go meet a potential buyer for the first time the whole introduction is a load of bullshit. It starts with the handshake. You always hope for a firm handshake, but sometimes you get a “limper.” A limper is a term I use for people whose handshake feels like your grabbing a hand with 5 limp dicks attached to it. A “swalm” can be bad too, almost worse then a limper. A swalm is a person with a sweaty palm. After the initial introductions and small talk we get down to business. This is when all the bullshit comes out from both sides. Now, the sales meeting can go two ways. Either 1) you get the client to purchase the product or 2) he has an excuse for every sales pitch you throw at him.
Let’s say the meeting is going great. The client is truly interesting and just soaking in every reason on why he should purchase this product. This is when the real sales man comes out. You can do no wrong. Everything you say is gold. You have small punch lines to ease the tension so it doesn’t seem like you’re to pushy, he is setting himself up for a sales pitch on why he needs to purchase, etc. Once you are done he couldn’t be more impressed. He pretty much bends over and let’s you take his credit card out of his wallet. While he’s bent over you might as well stick the tip in because then you have fucked him over and fucked him literally. This biggest thing is to play it cool. Even if this is your first sale in weeks you need to make it seem like you make a sale every ten minutes and this is no big deal. This is hard to do because inside I am laughing and thinking to myself, “what are you stupid?! Give me your balls. You don’t need them anymore. I am going to go dip them in gold and hang them from my rearview mirror. I now own your manhood.”
One of the worst things that can happen is going into a sales meeting feeling great and thinking that this is an easy sell, but the stupid fuck weasels his way out of every good reason you come up with on why he needs this product. These are the meetings that you’d rather punch a puppy in the head if it meant you could just go home. Let’s say I am selling a cream that cures cancer. Well I could say to this guy, “Now doesn’t testicular cancer run in your family?” He would agree with me and tell me that it does. “Perfect!” I’d say, “So let’s get you a couple bottles so if it comes and tries taking out your testes you can cure it with no pain or chemo.” This is when he starts with the excuses. “It sounds like a great product, but you guys test it on animals and I am really against it,” or “well just because it runs in my family doesn’t mean ill get the cancer so I don’t know if I want to spend money on something I may never use.” Are you fucking kidding me? That’s it I give up. There is no breaking through. The fuck sitting behind the desk in front of me does not want to purchase and now I am just going to go home, crank one out to a Shakira music video(using the fleshlight of course), and go to bed. Thank you sir but you have ruined my day and for that I am going to give you a nice limp handshake. Go choke on a fat one.
Now, if you’ve read this far God Bless You, but the point of this blog wasn’t to sit here and bash sales people or a sales position. There is a lot of money to be made in sales and it can be a great career choice. I am just saying that 90% of sales is bullshit…just like any other job. In reality as much as my job is bullshit I am good at it. I just wish I had a better product to sell. If I cared about the product I sold maybe I would be more serious. Like what if I sold fleshlights?! That would be awesome. I would sell the shit out of them. Some guys see the fleshlight as a gross sex toy but it no different then a dildo for a girl. Girls use a fake penis to pleasure themselves and now we guys have the option of using a vagina (which you can pick the tightness which ranges from loose as a goose to tight as a 10 year old), an ass, or a mouth. I mean sometimes you need a switch from your hand and no one is going to judge you any different if you’re using a fake vagina to relax yourself. I actually applaud you. Just close your eyes for a second and imagine you are going to town on yourself. Would you rather use your hand which smells like BBQ sauce from your lunch or a nice luke warm vagina? That fleshlight feels pretty good, right? Interested in learning more? I mean at least check it out. What do you have to lose? Just click
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